At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
