i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
