My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize