i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize