I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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