I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
