i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
