I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
