I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
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NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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