i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
