tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
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Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
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he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.