Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship