I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.