How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
