i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
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And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
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It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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