I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
