Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am one with the molecules
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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