What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver