hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
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You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
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3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere