I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.