woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.