U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.