Who did Billy Mays play for?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
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You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday