why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Brb crying the tears of my youth
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
