she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
