I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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