need another drink. this is the easiest way
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
