I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
