I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.