I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
