Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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