You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
