she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
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Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
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I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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