I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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