Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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