He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
