$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
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she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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