oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she woke up with a sticky ear
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
