Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
