She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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