thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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