I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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