I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize