haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
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I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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