Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
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Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
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He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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