Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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