i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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