Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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