6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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