Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
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Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
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So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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