Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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