GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
