I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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