She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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