I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
