Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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