Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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